Suicide

A blank white screen stares back at me. My mood flits between heart wrenching sadness, cynicism and wry smiles in a matter of milliseconds. My face is a myriad of emotions. All showing themselves at the same time converting my face into a pseudo tranquil expression.

You know the reason for this is you. You are on my mind. It hasn’t been any different since years. You are the reason I took to so many things. Yes I could feel my life revolve around you like an insignificant asteroid around a huge planet. I pretended you don’t matter but I can’t pretend. Never could. I only have to look past the focal point of my vision and there you are. Like a continuous tape never tired of playing itself. I hoped the tape would eventually burn itself out but it hasn’t. It’s still going strong. Oh please stop. Please.

I want to break down and cry like a defeated and wounded man. But tears evade me. They just won’t come. There is a lump in the throat that I am not able to swallow. Its choking me.

You haunt my dreams. Even my dreams are filled with images that leave my heart hungry for more. My dreams were supposed to be fulfilling. But they too are on your side, constantly reminding me of my unrequited love.

I am fucking tired Rhea. Why don’t you just die?

I want to.