Wednesday, October 13, 2010

And then it happened..

It was the end of higher secondary. The days were long and life was empty. On a lazy Sunday afternoon, she sat in her bedroom watching the movie ‘Haasil’. She finished watching it. She couldn’t get him out of her head. Somebody told her about ‘Maqbool’. She couldn’t get him or the movie out of her head after watching it. She went online and saw that there was ‘Charas’ another Tigmanshu Dhulia production. After a lot of searching, she found it in one of the video libraries. She watched it and then it happened...

His name was Irrfan. In the days that followed she was going to watch every movie of his that was ever made, and she did. Warrior, Chehraa, Rog and even the star bestseller episodes like ‘Ek sham ki Mulaqaat’. Then came ‘Saade saath phere’, ‘Chocolate’ and the daily ‘Mano ya na mano’. She followed his moves obsessively. Everytime he came on the TV in a promo, her heart skipped a beat. Was this love? What was this crazy obsession about a man who everyone thought was ugly? What drew her to him? Was it his screen presence or those intense eyes? Slowly her internet hours were consumed in browsing for his pictures, interviews, movie clips, anything that featured him. She chanced upon his phone number on his official website. And she thought to herself “this is it! A msg never hurt anyone”’
“Dear Mr. Irrfan,
My name is Apoorva. I have been following you.. (sounds like stalking)
Love your movies. They rock! (Dumb, childish.)
I discovered your movies recently and I must say you are brilliant, to say the least. I wish you all the best and hope that the world opens its eyes to your talent”.
- Apoorva

Within two minutes my phone pinged. “ONE NEW MESSAGE”. I jumped from my seat. It said “thank you very much, but how did u get my num”?
I screamed in joy and said I found it on his website and asked if I could call him. That night I called and we spoke for exactly 4 and a half minutes. I told him how I felt about his movies and how much it had changed my perception about actors. He was very gracious and hung up after saying I could msg or call him anytime I liked. I was elated.

As a fan, I find words less to describe how much I adore this man as an actor. Needless to say the next one year was spent in watching his movies and msging him about them and believe me, I got replies for every one of my msgs. He even msged telling me to watch ‘Saadhe saath phere’ in the theatre. We had the ideal fan- celeb relationship. My parents called him their celebrity son- in- law.

His movies were my religion. Magazines heralded him ‘The thinking woman’s sex symbol’. I agreed more also because it made me a ‘thinking woman’. I loved his eyes, his dry dialogue delivery, his lean body, his mean persona. I loved the way the camera could just rest on his face, caressing the lines on it. I watched his movies as soon as they came. Through him I discovered vishal bharadwaj movies, pankaj kapur, kay kay menon, even tabu and mira nair movies. Vodafone hired him. ‘A mighty heart’ happened and he remained stoic unlike other ‘bollywood’ stars who make a big fuss about going ‘hollywood’.

Well, the world is a small place. My grandfather being an actor, was offered a movie to be directed by an English man which also featured Irrfan. I waited very long to meet this man, but the movie got shelved. My heart broke.

My craze has abated a bit over the years. I watch his movies now too. But I have realized that no matter how many years pass, he will always remain my favourite actor.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

You know you are in OBGyn when..

-you can work for 36 hours straight.
-you can arrange for one pint of whole blood anywhere, anytime.
-you are immune to death screams.
-you can survive on just coffee for hours and hours.
-you don't want to have a baby. EVER. / you dont want your wife to go through THAT.
-you are immune to jabs, being told off, screamed at etc by professors.
-you can eat in the labour room cubicle( yes, novices, try it on your first day, you wouldn't)
-your apron has blood, meconium, urine and amniotic fluid on it.
-you write @ the speed of light.
-you are so tired, you just want to curl up and sleep all the time.
-you dread NSTs and their outcome for problem patients because that means you have to scrub at 3 am.
-you suck up to nurses
-you wonder how anyone could ever take this specialty by choice.
-you cross off the days left for it to end.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Yeah so it’s Valentine’s Day and I am thinking to myself, “lucky people in love”. I find it really cute that people think of telling their loved ones on this day about how they really feel. Valentine’s Day brings to mind the images of pink stuff, be it kittens, flowers, cards, balloons, letters written on pink paper and condoms maybe? I don’t know, I just ran out of things to list.

Well anyway, this V day too, considering no one is going to tell me how they feel, I am single. I have never had my fairy tale romance. No man/ woman/ man- pretending –to- be-a- woman/ woman- pretending to- be-a- man has ever told me that they will love me till the end of the world. I have got the odd rose or an odd letter or an odd ‘I love you’ from a couple of young men gallant enough to fleetingly love me.

How much do we experience real love? With our parents, our siblings, our grandparents, our close friends, our pets, I mean with these people its a pure, unadulterated feeling of togetherness. I think we should take time out to genuinely appreciate and cherish that more.

Real love can also be towards our profession, the work we do, the hobbies we nurture, really anything that we dive into and become one with.

Coming to the mushy sweetheart love, if u get that, great. But if you don’t, there may be someone out there who may really love you in secret. Think if the one person who is there with you in the hardest of times, who listens to you no matter how busy he/she is, who goes out of the way to make life easier for you. If there is such a person, make V day about them. Love them back. Nobody will appreciate it more than they will. Its worth loving such a person.

If there is no such person either, doesn’t matter. The whole object of V day is to love, whether you get love back in return or not. Most importantly, never lose hope, because love is all around! You just have to be gracious enough to acknowledge its presence.

Wishing you luck and a great day! Cheers.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


A blank white screen stares back at me. My mood flits between heart wrenching sadness, cynicism and wry smiles in a matter of milliseconds. My face is a myriad of emotions. All showing themselves at the same time converting my face into a pseudo tranquil expression.

You know the reason for this is you. You are on my mind. It hasn’t been any different since years. You are the reason I took to so many things. Yes I could feel my life revolve around you like an insignificant asteroid around a huge planet. I pretended you don’t matter but I can’t pretend. Never could. I only have to look past the focal point of my vision and there you are. Like a continuous tape never tired of playing itself. I hoped the tape would eventually burn itself out but it hasn’t. It’s still going strong. Oh please stop. Please.

I want to break down and cry like a defeated and wounded man. But tears evade me. They just won’t come. There is a lump in the throat that I am not able to swallow. Its choking me.

You haunt my dreams. Even my dreams are filled with images that leave my heart hungry for more. My dreams were supposed to be fulfilling. But they too are on your side, constantly reminding me of my unrequited love.

I am fucking tired Rhea. Why don’t you just die?

I want to.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Evil Geppetto

"Lets break her spirit",
The manipulator whispered to himself,
Lull her into a delusional sense;
Let her fall hard,
Again, and again, and again.

Limerance, let her experience,
Let dreams haunt her even in wakefulness;
Let her despair show in every moment,
Let her neglect, her body and mind.

Now gloating at his marionette, the manipulator looked at her,
She sits in a corner, staring into space.
Plucking out her crown hair one by one,
Picking her nose, hearing voices.
Her ragged clothes cling to her body,
She hasn’t looked at herself, delusions.. nihilistic.. haha


Poor puppeteer, poor manipulator, He pities you.
She sits there alone, unkempt.
But you only think you have her spirit.
But another puppeteer, He made sure,
Her spirit is hers alone.

Sunday, September 06, 2009


As I danced around the fire, a flying cinder burned my toe; I bent down to tend to it.
I looked up, gasped, shocked by the throng of figures, around the fire. Evil faces, full of hate. Squinting at the burning mass, I thought I saw my face on the effigy’s.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Long ago, I remember my first encounter with Harrison’s principles of internal medicine. I was in 2nd year, it was a wintry December evening and I was in the library. I opened this textbook for the first time and started reading symptomatology. I was so absorbed by the book in no time. The first chapter I read was ‘pain’. “What a beginning”! I remember thinking.

I was intrigued by pain thanks to Harrison.

A large part of pain is psychological as most of us know. Just the suggestion of pain and attention to the pain-causing stimulus adds to the agony. Come on, didn’t the dull stinging in your heel turn into a full- blown, tantrum- throwing, howling when you SAW the thorn in your heel? Yes you poor baby, I know you were in pain, but your pain increased when you paid attention to what caused it.

The concept of fear of pain was what caught my fancy the most. Sample this,MOST of the neuronal projections carrying the sensation of pain project to the areas in your brain that sub serve unpleasant emotions like suffering, crying, and the sheer dread/ fear of pain. To explain better the fear of pain- consider the Chinese water torture where the victim dreads the next drop of water falling on his forehead or worse still, the small of his back. Drops of water fall in undetermined although frequent intervals on the small of his back or his forehead. The part becomes stiff and frozen after some time. The victim is in constant fear of the next drop falling on that painful, stiff area and the drops do not fall in regular intervals. The next drop could be seconds later or minutes later or the steady dripping may resume hours later. YEAARRGH! Frustration, pain, lord! Enough to drive anyone to insanity.

Pain modulation- soldiers don’t feel pain even when they suffer major fractures, thanks to their adrenaline charged states. Remember Rudy Youngblood a.k.a.’ jaguar paw’ running miles and miles to escape being caught by his captors even after being stabbed through and through in his abdomen? On the other hand, normally, you’d grimace even before the needle pricks your precious bum. Thanks to pain modulation, it’s theoretically possible to induce pain without any external stimulus. Think voodoo! I mean just expecting pain does weird things with your brain and you appreciate the pain more.

Pain tolerance is fascinating. Some women howl and howl in labour from the very beginning, while some clench their teeth and fists and get it over with without a single cry escaping them.
What’s a mild stinging for someone is a chest crushing tractor for someone else.

Pain is also addictive, think of those getting multiple tattoos or even self- mutilating ‘cutters’. Beyond a point, nothing is painful enough for that high they get after self harm. Scary! Fact is, the body’s defense mechanism is to release endorphins after sometime of suffering pain which alleviate it a little. People strive for that endorphin rush. Endorphin is an opioid after all. Err... Like morphine and heroine.

No, I am not a masochist, thrilled and turned on by the idea of pain. I just happen to have a certain innocent fascination for it.