Saturday, January 16, 2010

Suicide

A blank white screen stares back at me. My mood flits between heart wrenching sadness, cynicism and wry smiles in a matter of milliseconds. My face is a myriad of emotions. All showing themselves at the same time converting my face into a pseudo tranquil expression.

You know the reason for this is you. You are on my mind. It hasn’t been any different since years. You are the reason I took to so many things. Yes I could feel my life revolve around you like an insignificant asteroid around a huge planet. I pretended you don’t matter but I can’t pretend. Never could. I only have to look past the focal point of my vision and there you are. Like a continuous tape never tired of playing itself. I hoped the tape would eventually burn itself out but it hasn’t. It’s still going strong. Oh please stop. Please.

I want to break down and cry like a defeated and wounded man. But tears evade me. They just won’t come. There is a lump in the throat that I am not able to swallow. Its choking me.

You haunt my dreams. Even my dreams are filled with images that leave my heart hungry for more. My dreams were supposed to be fulfilling. But they too are on your side, constantly reminding me of my unrequited love.

I am fucking tired Rhea. Why don’t you just die?

I want to.

5 comments:

偶像 said...

一個人的際遇在第一次總是最深刻的,有時候甚至會讓人的心變成永遠的絕緣。.........................

anuppiee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
vagando mind said...

hey..
looking forward for ur posts on this valentine's day:-)
Don't disappoint ur followers..

freudian slip said...

haha lol

aravind said...

Isn't it funny how pain is addictive?.. You know ur going down, u know ur sinking, u know ur dying within the confinements of ur mind.. u know it sucks to be so fucking depressed that u want to kill urself.. but then u like the pain.. its like scratching on a healing wound.. u jus like the feeling..

I dunno if there is a neuro-chemical explanation to it.. but then.. who cares..

Sometimes acceptance of loss, the voids that people we love leave behind, completes you.. but yeah the acceptance has to come from a profound realization..

but then, what is life if it is just about sunlight and love.. only pain and darkness complete it... intense encounters with oneself can be very liberating...

Accept the pain and you will be liberated from it.. it's human nature..